Many people are embracing BDSM. Is it about more than just sex?
TOPANGA, Calif. − A dominatrix in lingerie draws three circles on the board. Inside each, she writes the following words: "power," "truth" and "pain."
Her class of 13 − mostly young professionals − nod and jot down notes throughout her lesson. The topic? "How to find your power," the soft-spoken sex expert known as Colette Pervette tells them.
And what better way to do that, she adds, than "through the lens of kink or BDSM"?
The class on dating, power dynamics and, yes, kinky sex served as one of several courses offered at the first-ever, weekend-long Renew Dating Bootcamp, helmed by dating coach and "Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart" author Amy Chan. During her three-hour lesson at a Spanish-Mediterranean villa just outside Los Angeles, Pervette described lessons from the world of BDSM she says everyone can apply to their dating lives, whether or not they're into that kind of sex.
These principles involve honesty, communication and the true meaning of power. She asked the class: What are the metaphorical gags in their lives that keep them from expressing themselves?
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What is BDSM − and can it help your dating life?
BDSM is an acronym broadly used to describe sexual practices involving bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism.
Many people practice BDSM and other forms of kink, though they remain taboo subjects. According to a 2020 study published in "The Journal of Sex Research," more than 40% of people report having BDSM fantasies, while about 20% report having engaged in these types of sex.
BDSM has also made its way into mainstream culture in recent years, thanks to the popularity of the book series "Fifty Shades of Grey," which also spawned Hollywood film adaptations.
When assembling courses for her dating boot camp − which also featured a dating app masterclass, a session with a leadership coach and more − Chan says she chose to invite a dominatrix in order to help retreatants access their vulnerability and reflect on their definitions of power.
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Understanding both, she says, is key to having a thriving relationship.
"A big challenge people have in relationships is they might start off very equal but somewhere along the way they lose their power," Chan says. "Why we have a dominatrix here is everything she does is around power dynamics."
A large focus of the class involved identifying unnecessary power struggles that can surface in relationships. These may look like waiting by the phone for your partner to text you back, playing hard to get or putting on a front to impress a date.
Though BDSM involves power, Pervette says the dynamic is very different. By sharing their fantasies with full honesty and transparency, both partners can hold power, even if one takes on a submissive role in the fantasy.
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Not expressing your desires or assuming the other person knows what you want, however, can be dangerous. Plus, true power, Pervette says, is found in vulnerability.
"In dating, a lot of us are playing a game where we're posturing and always just presenting our best selves forward, rather than sharing what makes us vulnerable... and it kind of lends itself to inauthentic experiences," Pervette says after her class. "What's so powerful about kink is that you come into it fully as you are, sharing your desires and your boundaries and allowing yourself to just be fully seen, heard, held, understood and accepted for who you are."
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What does power actually look like?
It's also important to be clear on what power means to you. Pervette defines power as the ability to create change. When one feels powerless, she tells the class, it's often because they feel they can't create change in a given circumstance.
She asks the class to identify disempowering fantasies they have in their dating lives, like that they're stuck waiting for the right person to come along. Instead, she encourages them to flip the fantasy into an empowering one, where they find active ways to bring about changes they seek, like going out to meet more people or working on themselves to attract a great partner.
Sally Cotching, a 33-year-old from Australia who designs and manufactures sex toys, came to the boot camp to figure out what she wants in a relationship and what's holding her back.
She says the BDSM class got her thinking about power in a deeper way.
"What's so interesting is that power doesn't look like what the stereotype is that the media tells us − that it's loud, taking up a lot of space," Cotching says. "This strength that you can have by being very soft and vulnerable is the sexiest thing. It's cool."
Pervette understands many people are likely skeptical about her class and how BDSM can apply to their own dating lives. She encourages those people to suspend judgement.
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After all, she says, what BDSM and dating both have in common is they require showing up as your full, authentic self − and embracing it wholeheartedly.
"That's the beauty of what kink is," she says. "It's just truly flipping this around, where it's not about pretense and posture. It's about being seen fully as who you are."