Grieving the loss of your mom: How to cope with grief on Mother's Day
Mother's Day is on Sunday May 12, but those grieving the loss of their mother or child may feel a lot of dread around this time of year.
"Mother's Day is not a universal celebration for everyone," said Sherry Cormier, an author and psychologist who specializes in bereavement.
She encourages people going through grief to be kind to themselves and provide what they need to make themselves feel comfortable this weekend.
She adds that feeling that loss and sorrow while others might be celebrating is okay.
"People move forward, they don't really move on," she said. "The grief is always part of you. That loss of your mom or your child always stays with you in your heart."
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Mother's Day is a 'trigger day'
According to the psychologist, Mother's Day can be a "trigger day."
These kinds of holidays or special occasions can be a trigger, meaning they cause an intense emotion that is usually negative.
"Things like Mother's Day or birthdays or anniversaries or holidays, for example, are hard," said Cormier.
She adds that it's best to have a plan on these kinds of days. Plan a day and schedule that will work best to help you cope and deal with your emotions, but be flexible.
The plan can include anything from a self-care day to spending time with friends and family to exercising and moving your body, but she recommends tuning in with yourself and staying flexible. The plan doesn't have to be the end-all-be-all for that day if it is no longer needed.
"I can't tell you how many people I've spoken with that have a plan for a trigger day, and then the day comes and they end up saying, 'You know what? I felt the worst the day before," she said.
Cormier suggests staying away from social media to avoid seeing posts about Mother's Day. She said it can help with trigger days because people are posting pictures with their moms or children and seeing that may do more harm than good.
"If you're already sitting there longing for your child who's passed or your mom who passed, and then you see all these pictures, that may make you feel worse," said Cormier.
Journal about your grief
Journaling for 10 to 15 minutes about your grief a few times a week is another helpful exercise, said Cormier.
"This can be very therapeutic just sitting down and writing," she said. "Just not even thinking, letting your body flow and writing about how you're feeling."
She adds that all one needs is a piece of paper and a writing utensil. However, it can also be done on a phone, computer or tablet. Cormier even said folks could draw their grief, but the point of the exercise is to sit with the grief and acknowledge it.
"If you're dreading Mother's Day, the first thing is to feel what you feel," said Cormier. "Feel what you feel, and that's dread, that's sadness, that's sorrow. That may be anger in some cases, so feel what you feel."
However, she warns that going over the time and writing about it for too long may cause the grief to become "all consuming."
Journaling validates the grief, but "you don't want the grief to take over your life," said Cormier.
Don't force someone to grieve in a certain way
Sometimes, people might try to help, but they do it by forcing their own beliefs and habits onto the person they're trying to help.
"Helping is a form of control" is a quote from Anne Lamott that Cormier said she loved.
Cormier said she does not, "under any circumstance," recommend people force those mourning a loss to grieve in a specific way.
"So often when we think we should 'help' one with grief, what we really mean by that is that we're trying to control the way that they grieve," said Cormier.
Everyone goes through loss differently, and how someone grieves, vents and gets support is entirely up to them, she said. What might work for one person may not work for another and forcing someone to grieve in a specific way is a form of coercion.
"We all find comfort and solace from different people," she said.
At the end of the day, grief is a normal feeling
Now, there are exceptions to this rule. If someone who is mourning says they are contemplating suicide or can possibly be a danger to themselves, it is ok to get involved and recommend calling the crisis hotline, a grief therapist or suicide counselor.
"If you feel like you're ever going to be in a crisis, go to your emergency room," said Cormier.
Helping a child grieve
Just like with adults, a grown-up can not force a child to grieve in a specific way or ignore the day to help them cope with their feelings.
"There are people who would rather avoid the day than acknowledge it, and they do it for good reason," said Vicki Jay, the CEO of the National Alliance for Children’s Grief. "They're trying to protect the child from having difficult feelings where we know that you can't hide it from them, so the best thing is to acknowledge the day and open conversation so that the child feels free to talk or not talk."
According to Jay, it's best to let the child take the lead in this situation.
"Let the child help determine what that day looks like," said Jay.
The only one who really knows how the child is feeling is the child themself, and Jay advised that the grown-ups in their life give them the space to express their feelings.
"You may assume that it's really difficult for them, and that may or may not be true, and so what you wanna do is learn from them," said Jay.
She adds that children might start to deal with difficult feelings before Mother's Day.
"It starts when the child is at school, and everybody else is talking about Mother's Day or making Mother's Day cards or whatever it is," she said. "And so just holding that opportunity open to have discussions, you know and even just [asking] what was the best and worst thing that happened at school today may open the door."
She adds that enrolling a child into a peer support group may also help them cope with their feelings about death.
"We found that peer support is amazing because kids don't want to be different than any other kids," said Jay. "To find out you're not the only one, in this case, who doesn't have a mom is so, so very supportive."
Remember the people in between
Not everyone who is grieving their mom is doing so because she died.
"There are a lot of other situations that need to be recognized where kids, in particular, don't have moms for various reasons," said Vicki Jay, the CEO of the National Alliance for Children’s Grief.
Whether it is because the person is estranged from their parent or child or simply can't be with them because of other circumstances, they may be grieving on this day, too.
And this is not only true for children, but adults too.
"Maybe they never had a chance to be with their birth mom or know their mom," said Jay. "Maybe you know they live in separate situations where they never get to see their mom, and I think those kids often get overlooked because it's not in our face that somebody died, but that loss is huge to those kids."